Recession and Enthuiasm

Back to writing here! Same as usual, not really writing on here, just posting whatever I write in addition to storing it on a file on my computer.

So I see myself as a writer, primary self identity thing, and hardly write anything for half a year or so. Deep down that's fine, and a strange relief wherein I know I am not writing anything bad, I at least am not being a bad writer, by not writing. Pretty much like staying alone in your room feeling depressed instead of going out to a party and being lame and unexeciting. Pretty much.

Half a year of writers block coupled with a horde of other psychological problems. What do you do when you understand to a T the cause of your psychological problems but feel unable to change anything? That happens again and again in the course of my adult life - where I feel like I have a perfect grasp of happiness in theory, what any person should do and be to be happy (and so creative, impressive, etc) but feel unable to do anything with that and quagmire in psychological problems. How many dozens and dozens of times does the same thought run through a depressed mind until the repetition of the thought pattern becomes boring?

So, I spend half a year missing the feeling of complete and utter happiness, fearing and angsting that the golden creative part of my life is gone and done. Stuck deep down in a stupid psychological process, an inner lameness. Pretty stunning that I can go from witty conversationalist saying "hello, how are you" to everyone I could to someone who could only conversate by thinking aloud in aloof autistic manner. My friend is definitely write when claiming creativity is like libido. A year of hypersexuality and then an almost utter flatline and lack.

There are advantageous aspects to month long mild depressions though, with an objectivity and clarity that cannot be in a person when he/she is enthuiastic and creative you get to reflect, think about, realize all of your flaws and shortcomings. When enthused I danced and drunk and felt like a champion. I think about how I was then when depressed and see an almost bizarre obliviousness and excessive childish show-offness. ... And I'd list list list all the other analagous examples if my mindset, or this post was fitting. People, most people, end up bending to other peoples perception of them, people at large see you as strong then you become strong, they see you as learned you become learned, internalizing it, and so on, well studied phenomenon. I felt like champion inside and was determined to impress and make other people see me as I saw myself - is there really any other legitimate way to live than this, that isn't lame? ... Long story short I get sick of people at large, stop concerning myself to appear as a champion or anything to them. Something good there, and a-lot that isn't so good. The inner complete self confidence slips away and then I'm left alienated and alone, disconnected, not bitter, but with a constant feeling of lack, which becomes based in actual objective self awareness. How does one express thoughts that you have thought to yourself hundreds of times to the point of being utterly bored with them? How does one escape a wretched psychological pit that has been fallen into?

The thoughts run on in my head, but this humble little post ends here - as I go back to drinking and smoking and a beautiful intoxication of joy that should continue on for a few days! And I'll lay in bed alone a Crusoe in my world, smiling up at nothing and feeling full of bliss.