Torment

This is torment
Whats it like
Well, analogy
Physical health, sick and weak
My mind feels that way
Disappointed by this mind not doing anything
And I'll never become normal
I live and work successfully as an artist and I am happpy
If I cannot do that I am Magic Wand Wants

If I had the magic wand
I'd wave it and make this my life
Mention a film offhand
"that is actually one of my favorite films"
Five minutes the intuition flashed after two
This'd be strength, harmony and advantage
The oh, tails wag, you also have never known that?

The - let's be honest
Regard, admiration animation
Accept arrogance even, amorous
Fifteen minutes of your pure empathy
The unrequited ideal
While my mind gets gold, or waits
Well, sure be nice to know what that's like
Sure'd be nice to feel comfortable really liking her not happy – no in between

Your mind changes for the worst
most minds must some time or other
What, you are there to disappoint?
You wait it out, trying this and that
Eventually some combination works
It goes away, thriving progress again


*

Isn't my envy of other people ridiculous? I know so well that most people would trade shoes in a second if they could. But still envy for what I don't have. A girl that really likes me. A girl that really knows me. The ease of the idea.

But the girl should not like me when my behavior is stupid or dumb or just not interesting, it seems. But she has to tolerate childish me.

Why do most people not write? Or make something that is theirs that represents them. I know my parents well, of course, and I understand them like a system, determinism. That is harrowing.

What were the worst acid trips like? I'd see art and my mind would zoom and focus and get what was not great and what was bad in it. The pathetic hidden in man, my horrible ravaging mind would get to it.

The beauty of those days, were every Thursday evening I would walk to Belvederes with music that was most beautiful to me. How ugly the roads were. And I'd drink and dance like Kasparov! Ugly roads and ugly Pittsburgh! Ugly cars. Ugly typical people. I guess.

Clearly there is something I don't know or don't grasp well enough or I'd be okay and good to go. It is the best of life to really understand how to live and I understood how to live. And I'm thinking constantly of the serotonin in my right cerebral hemisphere and the difference. Serotonin produces calm and flow, or reticience and inhibition. Brain is pretty full of seretonin more than average, and it was before beautifully directed to calm and flow, happy. Now reticience, inhibition.